4.0

Portia found Zyrdicia in one of the palace's countless storerooms rummaging through chests. "I'm on my way to Lyr to get the boys now. Are you sure I can't talk you out of bringing them?" the servant asked hopefully.

Zyrdicia shook her head. "Positive. They make me laugh. This errand is going to be insufferably dreary and dull. The people there have no sense of humor. I want the boys there to keep me company. Besides, they'll irritate the natives and that will amuse me even more."

"They'll irritate me," Portia whined. "Please at least promise me you won't let them sing. Especially Marcus. His latest act in Lyr is abominable. I hate it. I'd give everything I own to send them all back to their home world."

Zyrdicia laughed. "They don't want to go back to the City of Angels. I offered once. They love working for me in Lyr. Get them. Bring them back here to help you finish packing what we'll need, then go ahead to Castle Blackpool. I'll leave directions for the opening the gate on the table in my chambers. I'll be along shortly. Try to keep the boys out of trouble until I get there."

"Sure, whatever," Portia muttered, walking away. "Talk about expecting the impossible..."

4.1

The clock showed that it was well past the eighth hour. She still had not arrived. Dirk waited in his throne room with a few advisors, bored. He wanted her to have to greet him on the throne. It was an important detail, necessary to emphasize that he alone was in command of the situation.

A blue flash signaled Vector's arrival. "Still no sign of her, my lord? Perhaps she was lying about helping you…"

"And lying about the warning to you, too? Wishful thinking, Vector. She'll be here. I can sense it."

"My lord, there is something you should know about the cost of favors from demons..." The Wizard's tthought was interrupted by the opening of a purple gate of light in the middle of the room.

Dirk looked up, expecting to see Zyrdicia. To his dismay, four unknown figures emerged.

The first was a small, voluptuous red-haired woman wearing a simple, short black tunic. She was immediately followed by another woman, broad-shouldered and monstrous. Two slender males came through before the gate disappeared behind them. The monstrous woman wore a pink satin corset with ghastly silver metalwork covering her bosom, making it look as though she had enormous, conical breasts. Straps hung from the waist of the corset, dangling above her thighs and a short skirt of white feathers. Her feet were perched upon enormous platforms decorated with more white feathers. She had a short mop of blonde curls. Her face was painted garishly in the manner of the whores in the Haven Islands. Dirk shuddered involuntarily. She was easily the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The two men who followed her were dressed alike and looked almost as strange as the monstrous woman. They wore strange, extremely short, blue tights. The thick material looked as though it had been deliberately cut off right below their rumps. Aside from the short, laced-up black boots they wore, their legs were totally bare. Their athletic upper bodies were covered only with thin, white shirts of an elastic, unknown fabric. They carried small bundles of packages, which they immediately dropped upon entering the room.

The prince and his advisors stared in disbelief. "Vector, what are they?" Dirk asked.

"I've no idea," the Wizard replied, obviously disgusted. "I have never seen anything like them. I suggest using the monocle before they come any closer."

The red-haired woman, the only normal-looking creature of the bunch, stepped forward. She was obviously trying very hard not to look at her three companions. "I need to speak with someone named Prince Dirk Blackpool," she announced calmly. Seeing Dirk sitting on the throne, she asked, "Are you he?"

"I am Prince Blackpool. Who, pray tell, are you?" The anger in his voice was barely restrained.

"Calm down. She warned me that you were high-strung. I'm Portia, Zyrdicia's assistant. She sent us ahead to see that her rooms were adequately prepared." She ignored a poke from the ghastly woman behind her.

Frustrated, the creature then stepped out from behind her. "And I am Queen Vonda," the blonde monster announced grandly, raising her right arm above her head and twirling her fingers outward. "This is Antoinette, and that one's Charlene. We're the entourage." She batted her eyes at the prince.

"He means they're her servants," Portia corrected, slapping the beast hard in the stomach with the back of her hand. "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" she mouthed to the feathered woman glaring at her.

"OHMYGOD!" shrieked one of the bare-thighed men. He lisped ever so slightly. "Anthony, I told you this tour was going to be medieval. Get a load of this place! It's so campy! It looks like Halloweenland meets the Addams Family! We'll call this one the 'Dark Ambition Tour'! I just know I'm going find me a prince charming. Did you pack the spooky stuff?" Hands fluttering atop bent forearms punctuated his excited, high-pitched exclamation.

His companion cocked his head, bringing his chin near his chest. He held out an open palm in the direction of the other man, rolling his eyes. In an identical lisp, he snapped, "Charles, please. Of course I brought that stuff. I brought everything. Couture is my business. Do you see me in your face about what kind of scissors you brought?" He paused looking from Dirk to Geoffrey to Cai, then to each of the guards in the room. "And, girlfriend, I'm thinking the prince charmings already found us."

Both men giggled.

Charles' eyes settled on Dirk. "Oh, that one's too fabulous." He started to approach the throne. The red-haired woman caught him deftly by the waist of his short pants, jerking him back roughly.

He whirled around, placing his hands on his hips. "Get your fishy paws off of me, bitch! You aren't the boss of me."

Geoffrey leaned over and whispered in Dirk's ear. "Are they human?" he wondered.

Dirk looked perplexed. "I fear for the species if they are. Get them out of here. Take them to the South Tower and keep them out of the way. If their mistress doesn't arrive soon, we'll transfer them to the dungeon. See that they're well-guarded."

A second purple gate opened as he finished issuing the order. He was gratified to see that no further freakish beasts emerged. This time the tall silhouette emerging could only be that of Zyrdicia.

As she emerged from the square of light, the red-haired woman looked relieved. Her three companions began shrieking uncontrollably. "Yay! OHMYGOD! It's her! Woohoo! Zyrdicia!"

They bounded at her like dogs happy to see their mistress. All three fell on their knees at her feet, elbowing each other for space to wrap their arms around her knees. They settled into positions on the floor around her, posing at her feet in bizarre theatrical poses evoking worship.

She looked down and laughed. "Oh, Markus, whatever are you wearing?" she asked, pulling the blond curls from the head of the monstrous woman to reveal a bald head. "Anthony should be ashamed."

"Fuck that! I didn't dress that trashy tramp!" Anthony responded, punctuating the final word by waving his hand in front of his face in an outward motion, snapping his fingers loudly as his arm extended. "I only dress glamorous people, and that means in this world I don't work for nobody but you, beautiful," he smiled, blowing her a kiss.

The wigless man-woman giggled, clutching at the blonde hairpiece Zyrdicia dangled in the air above him. "You can't call me Markus anymore, either. My new name is Queen Vonda!"

"We missed you, diva. You never party with us anymore," Charles added, pressing his cheek against her leather-clad thigh, wrapping his arms around her left calf.

"Darling, I've been busy. But the party is why I brought you along," Zyrdicia laughed. "All of you, get up before I step on you."

"EEEEEK!" Anthony shrieked, pointing at the boot on her right foot. "There's blood on it. What the fuck! I told you it discolors the leather." He threw his hands up in the air dramatically. "You're hopeless!"

"Probably," Zyrdicia laughed, obviously happy to see the three. Portia made a gagging gesture and looked as though she would rather be just about anywhere right now.

Dirk had been watching the scene unfold in disbelief, his disgust growing. The sight of one of the monsters pressing a face against her thigh enraged him inexplicably. He fought to restrain the temptation to send his two-pronged dagger flying into the servant's throat. Zyrdicia had made a point of ignoring him upon her arrival, focussing her attention instead upon the perverse freak show at her feet. The slight infuriated him.

As the trio rose from the floor, she finally looked at him and surveyed the room. She heard one of the advisors positioned near the throne whisper, "This is the demon that is going to deliver Tronin to us?"

She glanced at the small, portly man and winked at him. He froze in place, turning to stone first at his head, then gradually down to his feet. A moment later, he looked as though he had always been a statue. The remaining advisors shuffled nervously from foot to foot, staring at the floor.

Charles elbowed Anthony behind her and whispered, "Oh, I'm so jealous! She can make straight boys hard just by looking at them!"

A sly smile escaped her lips at the comment, as her gaze fell on Dirk.

He glared back at her. "Hi. Your manner of entrance really leaves something to be desired."

From his expression, she could tell the episode was profoundly offensive to him. "Hello, Dirk Blackpool, Crown Prince of Karteia. I hope they didn't get into any mischief before I arrived?"

"I don't know what sort of perverse game you play with these worthless, disgusting wretches, but I want them gone. I do not permit jesters to disgrace my court. I will provide you with whatever servants you require to accomplish the task at hand. Get rid of them," he ordered coldly.

"Sorry, but no. They amuse me. If I'm consigned to accomplishing this errand, then I simply must insist on enjoying myself. Besides, they have certain skills that really can't be duplicated. They're staying."

Vonda replaced her wig, then walked behind Zyrdicia to circle the room, stopping in front of Geoffrey. "Hey, cutie. Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" she said, poking the baffled younger prince in the chest with the enormous conical, metal breasts.

Geoffrey looked horrified. He pushed the drag queen away from him harshly, yelling, "I am Prince Geoffrey Blackpool, and if you ever touch me with those filthy things again, you poofer, I will cut them off!"

Vonda swiveled her shoulders and swished her head upon her neck. She pointed a finger and responded, "You may be a prince, baby, but I'm a queen. I outrank you!"

Geoff stared in disbelief.

"Kneel before the queen, and you'll get a taste of real royalty, sugar!" Vonda licked her lips.

"More like a taste of tired, wrinkled, old white trash!" Charles quipped. "A rat has more meat on him than you do, Vonda! Yours was gnawed off years ago."

"You would know," Anthony laughed.

Zyrdicia shook her head in disapproval at the drag queen. "Enough. Markus, go back to Lyr until you're out of heat. That was nasty, even for you."

The drag queen looked heartsick."But, I was just--"

"GO!" she commanded.

Vonda moved slowly toward the purple gate still open in the middle of the room, dejected.

"I told you we shouldn't bring them," Portia muttered.

"Shut up, all of you," Zyrdicia ordered. "I'm trying to have a conversation." She looked at Dirk. "Now, where were we?"

"You were about to agree to remove the rest of this revolting circus from my castle before I dispatch it to my dungeon."

"No. The others stay. They're housebroken at least. If you put any of them in the dungeon, he will be the last thing you ever put in it. Isn't ruling Tronin worth putting up with their antics for a short time? Or do you lack the patience real conquest requires?"

His blue eyes flashed angrily. She was unbearable. Mid-summer seemed years away.

She turned away from him and walked up to the statue that had once been his advisor. She wrinkled her nose in distaste as she regarded its pudgy face. With a single gloved finger, she pushed the block of stone delicately in the figure's forehead. It tumbled over, shattering as it hit the ground.